So I sit tonight in constant worry and frustration. This isn't going to be a happy blog, so please don't read it if you're expecting a smile. So warn out and exhausted, I finally collapse when I get home from class. Its cold out. Its dark and gloomy. Almost to the point to rain, but yet it doesn't rain. I come in the house with my eyes rolling in the back of my head from exhaustion. I put my books and purse on my bed and change clothes. Sweat pants and sweat shirt, ahh so warm and relaxing. Finally feeling more comfortable. I wonder in the living room to find my mom and brother watching Reba laughing and smiling. But Steph couldn't smile. Nothing made me laugh. Not even REBA! I just rolled over and began to close my eyes, falling into my deep sleep...
Finally I rolled over in pain. Only to hear "We don't have the money for that..." I seriously just would've rather have been anywhere but where I was. I was in complete pain from sleeping in the floor and I felt like I couldn't even move. Finally I got myself in an upright position. I looked around to reassure myself I was in the living room still. I had a terrible migraine. Looking around I see little lights flying around, but I knew it was because I wasn't feeling good. I hear dad just in frustration. I know he wants what is best for me, and my family, but when I first wake up its just not what I wanted to hear already in a terrible mood. I go to the bathroom and splash water on my face. It was soo cold but very refreshing. I had an unexpected SHOCK run through my body from the cold water. I was drying my face, but it wouldn't dry completely. I realized I was crying. It wasn't water I had been wiping for the last couple of times, it was tears! But why? I can't really answer it. But I calmed myself down and went back to the living room...
Mom came in and handed me a plate of pizza. I'm guessing that was for dinner. I'll be honest, I just ate it so my parents wouldn't freak out. I didn't want to eat. I just wanted to scream. Why? I don't know. I ate it, walked in the kitchen, hardly any ice tea left. So being the nice person I am I take the rest. Pouring it into the glass I watch it as if I was in a daze. I remember just standing there like it was in slow motion. So I sat down yet again to try and relax. Meanwhile, mom and dad are still talking. Dallas is doing homework and getting frustrated and sighing every few minutes. I wanted to scream sooo loud. Mom and dad weren't fighting though which made things better, just talking. Finally mom went (I believe to get laundry) and folded some clothes. Dallas still frustrated with typing a paper, dad finally goes over and helps him. I hear him typing now. He's a lot less frustrated. It makes me a little more calm when there isn't so much crap going on...
Mom sits in the chair now...joints hurting. I can tell. She's trying to relax, but I can feel the pain looking at her. No, she doesn't look in pain--but I just know. Dad handling bills, and credit cards and God knows what all at the table. But he's not in a horrible mood, but I am so I stay away from him...
So you ask, why Steph did you just describe this horribly boring night? Well one, for that 10 minutes it took me to write it, my brain was focused on my night and all the worries in my mind. I have so much on my heart right now I don't think that my body can handle it anymore. I had a great weekend last weekend. Heather and I went to the movies--it was great. I want to feel that happiness now! And as I was typing my night...no...I wasn't smiling or laughing. But for that 10 minutes my mind was only focused on one thing.
So now as I sit here...I fight tears. I fight the crying. My throat has that dull pain you get when you try not to cry. My eyes are in pain because they're trying to swallow the tears. My body aches in pain. But why do I hurt so much? What is wrong with me? Ugh, now I feel the dizziness, the heartbeat. Oh WOW my heart right now. Its racing...thumping hard. So most would think...well Steph its your POTS. Maybe it is. Maybe thats why I feel so terrible--but no--I can't use that excuse. I should be able to control my emotions! My gosh I can't stand it anymore. I seriously wish I could just escape. Its not like I had a horrible night--I've definitely had worse....why can't I relax?
Pray for me!