So I sit tonight in constant worry and frustration. This isn't going to be a happy blog, so please don't read it if you're expecting a smile. So warn out and exhausted, I finally collapse when I get home from class. Its cold out. Its dark and gloomy. Almost to the point to rain, but yet it doesn't rain. I come in the house with my eyes rolling in the back of my head from exhaustion. I put my books and purse on my bed and change clothes. Sweat pants and sweat shirt, ahh so warm and relaxing. Finally feeling more comfortable. I wonder in the living room to find my mom and brother watching Reba laughing and smiling. But Steph couldn't smile. Nothing made me laugh. Not even REBA! I just rolled over and began to close my eyes, falling into my deep sleep...
Finally I rolled over in pain. Only to hear "We don't have the money for that..." I seriously just would've rather have been anywhere but where I was. I was in complete pain from sleeping in the floor and I felt like I couldn't even move. Finally I got myself in an upright position. I looked around to reassure myself I was in the living room still. I had a terrible migraine. Looking around I see little lights flying around, but I knew it was because I wasn't feeling good. I hear dad just in frustration. I know he wants what is best for me, and my family, but when I first wake up its just not what I wanted to hear already in a terrible mood. I go to the bathroom and splash water on my face. It was soo cold but very refreshing. I had an unexpected SHOCK run through my body from the cold water. I was drying my face, but it wouldn't dry completely. I realized I was crying. It wasn't water I had been wiping for the last couple of times, it was tears! But why? I can't really answer it. But I calmed myself down and went back to the living room...
Mom came in and handed me a plate of pizza. I'm guessing that was for dinner. I'll be honest, I just ate it so my parents wouldn't freak out. I didn't want to eat. I just wanted to scream. Why? I don't know. I ate it, walked in the kitchen, hardly any ice tea left. So being the nice person I am I take the rest. Pouring it into the glass I watch it as if I was in a daze. I remember just standing there like it was in slow motion. So I sat down yet again to try and relax. Meanwhile, mom and dad are still talking. Dallas is doing homework and getting frustrated and sighing every few minutes. I wanted to scream sooo loud. Mom and dad weren't fighting though which made things better, just talking. Finally mom went (I believe to get laundry) and folded some clothes. Dallas still frustrated with typing a paper, dad finally goes over and helps him. I hear him typing now. He's a lot less frustrated. It makes me a little more calm when there isn't so much crap going on...
Mom sits in the chair now...joints hurting. I can tell. She's trying to relax, but I can feel the pain looking at her. No, she doesn't look in pain--but I just know. Dad handling bills, and credit cards and God knows what all at the table. But he's not in a horrible mood, but I am so I stay away from him...
So you ask, why Steph did you just describe this horribly boring night? Well one, for that 10 minutes it took me to write it, my brain was focused on my night and all the worries in my mind. I have so much on my heart right now I don't think that my body can handle it anymore. I had a great weekend last weekend. Heather and I went to the movies--it was great. I want to feel that happiness now! And as I was typing my night...no...I wasn't smiling or laughing. But for that 10 minutes my mind was only focused on one thing.
So now as I sit here...I fight tears. I fight the crying. My throat has that dull pain you get when you try not to cry. My eyes are in pain because they're trying to swallow the tears. My body aches in pain. But why do I hurt so much? What is wrong with me? Ugh, now I feel the dizziness, the heartbeat. Oh WOW my heart right now. Its racing...thumping hard. So most would think...well Steph its your POTS. Maybe it is. Maybe thats why I feel so terrible--but no--I can't use that excuse. I should be able to control my emotions! My gosh I can't stand it anymore. I seriously wish I could just escape. Its not like I had a horrible night--I've definitely had worse....why can't I relax?
Pray for me!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Nothing but ::tears::
Posted by THE Ms. Stephanie at 9:05 PM
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3 comments:
AWWWWW, Steph!!! If you ever feel like you need to escape, call me!!!!! :)) We can grab a bite to eat in Grove City or on 665 or anything!!!! And......I think we all need to schedule more movie nights to get away from everything!!!! That movie "Why did I get married?" starts this Friday!!! Anyone wanna go sometime??!! :))
I will be praying for you!!!! The gloomy weather has come and that is tough for a lot of us!!!! I am trying, myself, to focus on the fun things and try to ignore the weather! There are so many good things to look forward too! You have soooo many people who love you!!!!! Please call if you ever need to talk! I may not always have an answer, but I am very good at listening!!!!
LOVE YA!!!!!!!!!
Not to make light of your bad night, but, you know what I suggest?? Eat some chocolate, chipotle, cheesecake (anything good really), drink some Mt. Dew, tune out the world, pop some music in, scream if you want to, and forget about this week! (Shhh, don't call my nursing teacha's)
I won't lie to ya and tell you it's gonna get better b/c, unfortunately, you'll have your bad days til ya die. I know that sounds all depressing, but, that's just this life! The good part is that somehow, we do get past those days. We just have to have some faith. I know sometimes the more we have to struggle w/, the harder it is to have the faith. But, that's really when we need it the most. Read Psalm 42 sometime. It's gotten me through some "really" hard times. And, try to smile a little. Just think, you're getting closer to getting out of those teenage years. The twenties are better. Now, the thirties have been truly awful, but....oh sorry...I'm not helping...:)
"When Things Are Looking Down Lord, Help Me Look Up." Don't know who prayed that prayer first, but it certainly is a good one.
I am truly sorry you had such a rough evening. It may be Potts, it may 18, heck it may just be life, but whatever the reason, there are always going to be times when we feel terrible. Sometimes we will know what it is that is upsetting us, usually we just feel bad. We do need to start each day with prayer. "Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares." I Petr 5:7 Look up your favorite verse or bible lesson.
There is another thing you can do, and that is to prepare for rough days. Keep a fun book handy; take a walk or just go outside for awhile; call a friend you haven't talked to for a while and talk about their day; crank up the music; and the thing I do when I am really bummed is to watch a movie that makes me laugh! My family knows that when "Multipicity" is in the cd player that I might need a little space, but that I am going to be better soon! I also have a few Stallone movies handy, along with a dusting of Mel Gibson! For you, it might be "Pirates of the Carribean", but whatever makes you feel good when you are having a good day, should be handy when you are having a bad day!That does include some comfort food...or in other words...chocolate!
Emjaye is right, teen years are a little tough; the twenties are a lot better; thirties are different, but also good; the forties may be a bit trying; but the fifties are awesome, and the sixties, well, I know I am looking forward to them. God has a plan for me, and He has one for you,too.
Remember, you are not alone, you have a crew of people who love you and are there for you. I will be praying for you. Love you, Miss you
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