Great weekend.

Well I had a great weekend. I took Friday off of school. It was good--I needed it. I hung out at the preschool and had a great time at the Fall Party. We picked Lynnie (Kim's daughter) and Dallas up early from their school so we could leave right after preschool to pick up Ruth. Kim drove and we went and got Ruth and headed to Newark. We got to the lodge (which was soo pretty) and found our rooms. Kim, Lynnie, Ruth and I all stayed in one room while Dallas and Mom had the other room. Lynnie and I went in and changed into our swimsuits pretty quick. We waited and Ruth and Dallas got theirs on and we went down to the waterpark. Lynnie and I hung out at the waterpark. I felt like a little kid again. We went down this huge slide together on an intertube and ever different direction we turned Lynnie screamed! She had ahold of me as tight as she could. But it was fun. We went running through the rest of the waterpark and the big bucket fell on me twice! Ya know the big huuuge bucket that pours out? Yeah twice it hit me and even knocked me down. LOL Well finally we decided to go find mom and Kim. Where were they? You guessed it! THE POOL! LAYING OUT! So Lynnie and I went and talked to them. Well we got this great idea to get in the hot tub. Kim and I didn't think...we have massive heart problems. We were only in like 10 minutes. I think it did us both in. We got back and Kim and I were layin down because we were soo tired. Lynnie got in the shower and Kim and I were snuggling watching tv. LOL when all the sudden I felt heat come from her bad...and I thought she burnt herself...we figured it out! It was from the hot tub. Anyway Kim finally started feeling better. So we all got ready to go to the lovely entertainment. We had an illusionist. Well for one act he called who up? KIM!!!!! He totally embarrassed her! It was funny, but I did feel bad for her! Honestly, I really did. So we got back from a tiring night and finally went to bed.

(This was Kim on stage with the illusionist totally embarrassed!!!)

We got up at 9am and had to get ready and pack. We packed up and went back for a worship service. It was really good and the speaker was a cool guy. We really did have a great time. I'm just sooo exhausted. Lynnie stayed at my house Saturday and we went to the bonfire at church. It was COOOOLD! But fun! We came home and hung out here at my house. Then Kim and Kevin came over to watch the OSU game with us. Finally at 12:30am I crashed. Lynnie was up until around 2am. But we both got up for church and afterwards went to SKYLINE! YUUUM! And we came back and finally I got to rest again from my filled weekend.

Got up early this morning for preschool with my heart thumping verrry rapidly. I was afraid to stay home so I went today. Since I wasn't feeling good I had a 'dress down' day. I looked pretty bad and I totally forgot it was PRESCHOOL PICTURE DAY! So I got myself out of these pictures, but tomorrow I'll probably be in those. Yay! LOL So I must look nice tomorrow. But I feeling a bit better now. NOT the best, my heart and blood pressure are still up but I'm better. Just keep me in your prayers!

What?! I'm 18?!

AHHH time is going to fast! I don't even have time to think! AHHHH! First off my birthday was really like any other day. I cleaned! Did laundary...washed dishes...ugh! It really wasn't all THAT great. I was suprised with some presents. And a phone call from Sheila. Oh, how I miss her so very much...

On to a lighter subject. I definitley got to talk to Miranda today on the phone. I seriously believe that was the high light of my day. I had such a terribly exhausting day today. I was dreading class and everything...but I got home to find mom on the phone--when mom said it was Miranda I jerked the phone and talked to her! I was excited because I don't get to talk to Miranda very much anymore because of STUPID nursing school! ughhh! ANYWAY....

So most teenagers count down until theyre 18. But um, I think I've been 18 since I was like 3. So its not like I wasn't there already, but now that I am I kind of feel old. I know LAUGH! GO AHEAD! But now I really have to grow up. More respondsibilities. I'm not ready for all this stuff! I want to be 17 for one more year! LOL Nah, just kidding. I really just don't want to think about ACTs, drivers license, scholarships (meaning write ESSAYS!!!! ugggh) I just want to pull my hair out! I need to get a job--which I got an application for Maurices....so we'll see about that. I need to get a credit card. NOW STOP BEFORE YOU FLIP OUT. Steph is respondsible with her money! Don't believe me...ask mi madre! I need decent credit to get a decent loan for college. I need to start getting stuff for my dorm. I'll be living on campus next year and need to go on a trip to Target! I just have so much to think about.

Midterms are almost over in college. Finals are coming soon in December. UGGGGHHHH! Did I mention I hate Finals?! Miranda is feeling my pain, lol. Do you see why I'm like FREAKING out?! I have soo much on my little mind. lol

And I must say I feel like the world's worst sister. My brother is growing up so terribly fast and I'm soo worried about myself and my future that I don't spend much time with him. It kills me. I feel terrible. But I'm growing up. I have to be responsible now so I can have time for him when I'm older. I just feel like Im missing one of the most important times of his life. Middle school years. Ahh...middle school. Seems like yesterday. But I just wish I was there more for my brother. Ugh....I'm a terrible sister.

Then on top of all this Mom hasn't been feeling good. So lately I've played 'mom'...includes laundry...laundry...laundry---and LAUNDRY!!!!! UUUUgggHHH! And Dishes...!!!!!! I'm soo tired. Someone save me! lol. On top of that I have to dress up tomorrow. Which I don't hate it as much as mom and Miranda, but I don't care for it. I'm just glad Kim--the lady mom works with--our PAL gave me a costume to wear. I'm gonna be a cheerleader from Grease. Ya know...Look at me...I'm Sandra Dee....yeah yeah. But it'll be cute. I'll try and remember the digital and take pics. hmmm... maybe.

Ok....I'm thinking for Miranda Joyce a costume....help me out bloggers!

Nothing but ::tears::

So I sit tonight in constant worry and frustration. This isn't going to be a happy blog, so please don't read it if you're expecting a smile. So warn out and exhausted, I finally collapse when I get home from class. Its cold out. Its dark and gloomy. Almost to the point to rain, but yet it doesn't rain. I come in the house with my eyes rolling in the back of my head from exhaustion. I put my books and purse on my bed and change clothes. Sweat pants and sweat shirt, ahh so warm and relaxing. Finally feeling more comfortable. I wonder in the living room to find my mom and brother watching Reba laughing and smiling. But Steph couldn't smile. Nothing made me laugh. Not even REBA! I just rolled over and began to close my eyes, falling into my deep sleep...

Finally I rolled over in pain. Only to hear "We don't have the money for that..." I seriously just would've rather have been anywhere but where I was. I was in complete pain from sleeping in the floor and I felt like I couldn't even move. Finally I got myself in an upright position. I looked around to reassure myself I was in the living room still. I had a terrible migraine. Looking around I see little lights flying around, but I knew it was because I wasn't feeling good. I hear dad just in frustration. I know he wants what is best for me, and my family, but when I first wake up its just not what I wanted to hear already in a terrible mood. I go to the bathroom and splash water on my face. It was soo cold but very refreshing. I had an unexpected SHOCK run through my body from the cold water. I was drying my face, but it wouldn't dry completely. I realized I was crying. It wasn't water I had been wiping for the last couple of times, it was tears! But why? I can't really answer it. But I calmed myself down and went back to the living room...

Mom came in and handed me a plate of pizza. I'm guessing that was for dinner. I'll be honest, I just ate it so my parents wouldn't freak out. I didn't want to eat. I just wanted to scream. Why? I don't know. I ate it, walked in the kitchen, hardly any ice tea left. So being the nice person I am I take the rest. Pouring it into the glass I watch it as if I was in a daze. I remember just standing there like it was in slow motion. So I sat down yet again to try and relax. Meanwhile, mom and dad are still talking. Dallas is doing homework and getting frustrated and sighing every few minutes. I wanted to scream sooo loud. Mom and dad weren't fighting though which made things better, just talking. Finally mom went (I believe to get laundry) and folded some clothes. Dallas still frustrated with typing a paper, dad finally goes over and helps him. I hear him typing now. He's a lot less frustrated. It makes me a little more calm when there isn't so much crap going on...

Mom sits in the chair now...joints hurting. I can tell. She's trying to relax, but I can feel the pain looking at her. No, she doesn't look in pain--but I just know. Dad handling bills, and credit cards and God knows what all at the table. But he's not in a horrible mood, but I am so I stay away from him...

So you ask, why Steph did you just describe this horribly boring night? Well one, for that 10 minutes it took me to write it, my brain was focused on my night and all the worries in my mind. I have so much on my heart right now I don't think that my body can handle it anymore. I had a great weekend last weekend. Heather and I went to the movies--it was great. I want to feel that happiness now! And as I was typing my night...no...I wasn't smiling or laughing. But for that 10 minutes my mind was only focused on one thing.

So now as I sit here...I fight tears. I fight the crying. My throat has that dull pain you get when you try not to cry. My eyes are in pain because they're trying to swallow the tears. My body aches in pain. But why do I hurt so much? What is wrong with me? Ugh, now I feel the dizziness, the heartbeat. Oh WOW my heart right now. Its racing...thumping hard. So most would think...well Steph its your POTS. Maybe it is. Maybe thats why I feel so terrible--but no--I can't use that excuse. I should be able to control my emotions! My gosh I can't stand it anymore. I seriously wish I could just escape. Its not like I had a horrible night--I've definitely had worse....why can't I relax?

Pray for me!